I’m driving on the streets and listening to music like it’s just another day.
I was coming back from lunch with a good friend.
As I was cruising on the streets at the speed limit, 40 miles per hour, I entered an intersection.
Before I could act, I saw a car flying from the corner of my eye towards me.
Time slowed down.
In that split second, I thought about everything.
Was there anything I could have done different to prevent this about-to-happen accident?
Did I do enough with my time here?
Did I love those around me enough?
Family, friends, employees, clients, my business.
Relationships flashed before me.
And then, I didn’t remember anything.
Suddenly, I found myself jolted awake looking up at a group of EMTs trying to revive me.
And they did.
And I lived.
This above experience is something I’ve thought about over the past few years. In actuality, it did not occur, but reliving this in my mind reminds me of what matters. (I started thinking this years after I fell asleep at the wheel.)
Why would I envision such an event?
Through the technique of visualization, it centers me.
Sure, I have had some real life near-death experiences, but this specific one centers me because it could happen.
Accidents are called accidents for a reason.
It reminds me how fragile and temporary our existence is.
It reminds me that there are forces that I cannot influence that can still affect me.
It reminds me how important it is to live each day.
When Steve Jobs would wake up too many days in a row doing what he didn’t enjoy, he did something about it.
He also said in his commencement speech that death is life’s greatest gift.
Are you treating it as such?
I believe the end can help bring perspective to the present.
DISCLAIMER: I am about to share insights that may be difficult to understand. I used to wish that someone would have shared this with me in this exact same way. And after it was shared, I wish they would have shared it again. And again. And again. And I wish I set triggers to remind myself of these things. Until I understood it. Even if it took years. I wish they spoke with conviction. If you value perspective, read on. I will share what is real. When we learn how to see what is real, and when we put in the effort to clean our lens of life (which I had to do), we can create greater meaningful impact.
The objective perspective
Perspective is important when we value it because it helps us remember what is important.
As a leader, you are embarking on a journey that creates a strong connection with your work because you're leading a vision.
This dynamic also exists for the artist making art, or the chef making food, or the musician playing music.
This unique connection with your work requires that, as a leader, you respect the context of what you're doing and you respect the paradox that you're living.
Consider this your reminder to understand what is.
I’d like to zoom out of your life and look at the big picture.
Creators play close to the paintbrush with their work. I want to zoom you out so you can see the full picture.
Here it is...
The human species consists of humans trying to figure this thing out called life.
I believe that HX, our human experience, is about connection.
In our earliest days, we had to connect with one another to fend off threats and survive.
In our brain, all we do is make connections – consciously or unconsciously.
In our work, which is a very vulnerable act (taking an idea and turning it into something), we create a unique connection with our existence.
Everyone is living out the connections they have created for themselves.
First from parents, then on your own as an adult.
Some have more resistance than others to consciously understand the connections in their life.
To move beyond resistance, and to become a connected being, takes effort.
In Western society, effort is not always valued.
That is, the connections we make through media and Western lifestyle does not help us value effort.
An empathic leader will understand and respect this.
Since we’re instinctively wired for connection, we each respond to this dynamic differently. Ultimately, our perspective shapes how we experience life.
The two different foundational ways to respond to connection are to trust in connection or fear it.
This perspective is a muscle that can eventually pour into every element of our lives. And people notice.
We are the sum of connections
Consciously or subconsciously, as our species tries to figure this thing out called life, we project our beliefs onto others.
Some people project their love and their health.
Some people project their pain, fear, or shame.
Verbally and nonverbally, this projection can be felt (to the empathetic).
Everyone projects their realities in different ways and projections attract like-minded people.
These projections are the root of the creators behind movies, television shows, video games, and the like.
Having rarely watched TV since the age of 9 has given me a unique perspective.
Objectively, everyone is a walking social animal making connections in their brain that they know how to make.
With every second, we choose (consciously or not) what connections we want to accept into our life.
Some proactively and intentionally only accept what they believe is healthy for them. These people live in a world of abundance and understand abundance is not physical. It is a mental. These humans understand how to be.
These humans believe and trust that they are worthy of connection.
Some reactively accept whatever is fed to them from others.
These humans sometimes live with the perspective (of fear) that they are not worthy of connection... so they subconsciously crave connection and do whatever they can to fit in and chase what appears like healthy connection. Doing is the consequence of craving connection.
For me, I started living in fear (fear of disconnection) and learned how to trust. Perfectionism, over-controlling behaviors, and shyness, are common characteristics of my past.
Some never grew up in fear.
For example, growing up, in school, we do (strive to do better, strive to get an "A," strive to be liked, etc) because we need connection as a seed needs water to grow. When we subconsciously chase and do we forget how to be and that can have unintended (undesirable) consequences.
Now, to be very clear...
I am not intending to judge, or be critical, of anyone. I’m simply describing patterns and truths that I have convictions about. These are things I’ve read and witnessed and seen played out hundreds and thousands of times.
At some point, our connections, or habits, are simply that: patterns.
They’re behaviors and beliefs that are passed down from generation to generation.
With each human comes a different legacy.
Legacy is your value to humanity.
And we each have value we could bring.
Oh, and language? Yeah, man-made.
While we’re zooming out on your human experience, I’d like to point out something else.
One word: language.
Language is a man-made method that we use to connect with one another (through communication, written or verbal).
The idea of “good” and “bad” are man-made concepts.
So is “positive” and “negative.”
All of these words and concepts and ideas are things defined by man.
Do you accept them?
I could look at a homeless man begging for money and think, “He’s bad, he’s probably just going to use my money for more booze.”
Or I can look at a homeless man begging for money and think, “That could be my brother. That could be my dad. That could be my cousin. I don’t know what connections in their life led them to this moment. I don’t know what was in their control and what was not. I don’t know their mental health or unique gifts, but I value them, their story, and their impact in life.”
The sky is blue because we called it blue.
Good and evil exists because man coined the concept.
I prefer to accept what is.
I have found this to be a powerful perspective.
In this very moment, this is what is.
This moment, suspended in time, exists.
No labels, no stereotypes, no judgements, it just is.
This is what exists.
It would be unwise to fight what is.
This is our objective reality.
Then ask yourself, how do you want to (consciously) affect what is?
Maybe you want to exert energy because you value someone else. You can do that by genuinely trying to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing and keeping calm and smiling. I’ve done this, and the answers always immediately give me perspective.
It’s important to respect that the most powerful connection we can create is when we want it. If someone doesn’t want to be helped (eg. initiate a connection themselves), then change will be difficult (let alone impossible at that time). Love and acceptance and peace can help cultivate connection.
Next time someone uses a phrase, I’d encourage you to be metacognitive, and think about what is being said through a different lens.
Now, what do you accept about your emotions?
Remember, we are the sum of our connections. Our connections, or perspectives, or habits, conscious or not, affect the way we experience life.
Think about emotions such as anger, sadness, hate, bitterness, jealousy, or shame.
To be clear, according to Brené Brown, shame is the intensely painful feeling that you are unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the fear of disconnection. (And a very human characteristic)
The connections that we are presented with when it comes to emotions are usually influenced from television, movies, family, or friends.
And do you accept that?
If someone cuts me off on the freeway, I don’t follow the traditional paradigm of getting frustrated or offended.
Getting offended? I don’t understand this concept. I choose when something offends (upsets or annoys) me. Why would I want to allow myself to get offended by what someone else projects on me?
Why would I want to waste my energy on something someone else did?
Yeah, that quote from Ghandi, was true: “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
Ok, let’s go a level deeper. Ready?
We accept the connections we create in our life because we are ingrained by society to be reactive, not proactive.
Parents affect you.
School affects you.
Then your job and your bosses or market conditions affect you.
Then your significant other, partner, or kids, affect you.
You might be thinking, "ok, but I’m a grown up, I decide these things."
First of all, being a “grown up” refers to a static state. I prefer to always be growing up.
Secondly, what do your connections say about you?
Last time I checked, a majority of our species is stuck in reactive mode.
Like a disc player that won't stop skipping. (Is this analogy even relevant anymore?)
Here, this is what I’m talking about:
“Have a good day.”
“Have a great weekend.”
“Have a great trip.”
“Have a great time.”
“Have a good evening.”
“Have a good morning.”
Have is a reactive state.
Stop it. ;)
Start making.
“Make it a good day.”
“Make it a great weekend.”
“Make it a great trip.”
“Make it a great time.”
“Make it a good evening.”
“Make it a good morning.”
Are you in control of your emotions?
I get it.
But you had a long day with your business.
But you were stuck in traffic.
Willpower and self-discipline are muscles. Work them to make them stronger.
What is meaningful?
One word.
One simple word that I focus on when I focus on growth.
Legacy.
Legacy is not about you, although it requires you.
Legacy is about your value to humanity.
It is about how you affect others.
It is about the story of your life that you leave behind.
This is meaningful because it is our story.
Our story is our connection that we create with others.
It is the story we create with our existence.
Live it proactively.
Think legacy.
