Dancing.
Growing up, I was afraid of dancing.
Wedding, parties, doesn’t really matter.
It’s easy to say, “Yeah, but guys don’t often like to dance.”
This was deeper than that.
The second a friend told me they were getting married, the first thought I had was dancing.
My fears ran deep.
The thing is, I’ve been to dozens of weddings, and I’ve also been in several. Part of the challenge was I went to a dozen+ weddings as a videographer (at age 14). I was an observer of weddings before I was a participant. Because I couldn’t dance well, I often didn't try.
Don’t make me recount how many moments I had sitting there watching friends asking me to join them. I was resistant.
Scared, I exercised the power I could to resist. Did I mention I grew up in a family of musicians and feeling music probably is natural to me (if I embraced it)?
The greatest challenge in this scenario was that I was giving my power to others.
Looking back on this, it’s easy to brush it off as an insecurity in my youth.
But many still give their power away to others.
Before I continue, I write this article with conviction because I’ve learned about this the hard way. Falling down, picking myself up, feeling powerless, compensating in different ways... I’ve experienced and worked through, a lot.
Eventually, I would learn that people would call things I said as “powerful.” It’s almost like I was backed into a corner and forced to understand this thing called power. Sometimes, I embraced it. Sometimes, I didn’t.
After much reflection, observation, and learning, I believe understanding our power is the difference between those who get what they want in life and those who struggle until the end.
I’ve found that for many, this truth remains a blind spot.
It’s like the infant who moves their arm and they don’t realize they’re consciously doing it.
Many live their lives like this. Powerless.
DISCLAIMER: I use strong language and strong metaphors in this post. I write with purpose to inspire legacy. I don’t write to please or to make friends, I show up to serve. With my words, I am not being critical, or judgmental. I believe I am doing the best I can, at every moment in my life, with what I’ve been given. Because I believe this of myself, and I own it, I give this gift to others. (Also, if you don’t slow down and invest the time into understanding this article, don’t expect to fully understand power. Plan 20 minutes.)
Not understanding the puzzling truth about our power is the social cancer of our time.
Not understanding power is not addressing the white elephant in the room. There are those who understand this truth and those that don't.
I realize if you have lived life and been deeply affected by others, this truth will not come easy. If you’ve felt powerless most of your life, it will be easy to attack my words and point blame. I trust you’ll accept your reality and consciously decide how you want to live.
The challenge from different vantage points
I see CEOs who abuse their power because they’re not aware of it. Instead of leading from a place of evolved, true power, they can lead from a place of weak power. Weak power is authoritative and often disrespectful (and unsustainable).
I see high performers chasing power. Sometimes, this chase of power happens until the dissonance forces a surrender. A stroke, burn out, depression, hopefully not suicide.
I see leaders who play so big they’re not aware of the smaller details of the very real reality in front of them. (They're not aware of how they're affecting those closest to them, and they don't empower someone else to counter their weakness)
I see leaders who don’t overcome their fears and as a result they lead with fear which, although may seem powerful, kills legacy.
I see startup founders/CEOs who are trying too hard to bring their ideas to life (and prevent failure) that they may abuse their power and lead authoritatively.
When power is not understood
NOTE: I see everything in this section as neither good nor bad, it simply is. No judgment, only objective reality.
Answer this question: “Where does your power live?”
Where do you believe your power lives?
(Yes, you)
Are you certain of your power?
Do you know the limits of it?
Do you know the possibilities of it?
Have you tried to fight it? It works like gravity.
Here’s another question: Do you feel powerful?
Or do you feel insecure? Weak? Fragile? In every moment.
Do you know what separates you from the people who you see as “successful?”
Do you believe we all live in the same world?
Here's a visual on your power...
Take your answer to where you believe your power lives.
Now, imagine yourself, with a lasso, trying to lasso everything you believe you have power over. Imagine you tied the lasso to your foot, and you lasso everything you have power over.
Go on, imagine it, it’s ok. You’re safe right now.
Most of us live our lives with a lasso tied to dozens of external objects completely covering our feet. We can’t walk because we give our power away. (Similar to how I gave away my power to other people on the dance floor... which I allowed to prevent me from dancing)
Now, imagine a human being, with 50 ropes tied to various things around them which is connected to their legs.
This is a visual of someone who doesn’t understand their power.
What else happens to someone when we live like this?
People check out of life. When power is not understood, and when we don’t own that power, the easiest thing to do is mentally check out.
We live unhappy lives. Why? Can a puppy run around and play with other puppies if they’re in a cage? Of course not, that’s silly. Well, many in our species live in a cage... an unexamined cage. A mental prison. Filled with blind spots. Until that cage is removed and we realize we have the power to change our reality, we live in the cage. Some die in it. (Neither good nor bad, it simply is...)
We give into the status quo. The status quo is the social and political issues we face. Guess what drives much of the status quo? Ah, yes, capitalism. Buyers and sellers. The marketplace. The exchange of goods. Guess what drives that? Ah, yes, money. Dollars. Cents. (I didn’t say “sense.”) When we surrender our power to the status quo we move into “autopilot.” Life passes. Then it’s over. What happened?!
When we don’t understand power, we don’t know how to see true power. Accurate power. Neuroscience and a theory around mirror neurons affirms this. What we cannot understand and reproduce internally in our bodies, we cannot understand externally.
Allow me to rephrase: What we cannot see in ourselves, we cannot accurately see in others.
Because we often don’t understand power, and because our basic human (animal) instinct is to fear what we don’t know, we fear power. We think force and coercion and authority is power. Sure, but it's weak power. It's small power. It's disrespectful power. Sometimes, it's overcompensated power rooted in insecurity.
It happens from both vantage points, by the way. I’ve seen it.
One person thinks they’re powerful. Another person sees this power as authoritative and coercive and forceful.
One person thinks they’re insecure and shy and incapable. Another person sees this as admirable humility.
It’s all perspective.
When we don't understand power, we blame power as the problem instead of the weak belief systems behind the power. Selfish is good when self is good. Power corrupts because self is often built on a weak foundation of beliefs.
When we don't understand power, we give others power over our emotions. If we respond out of frustration to someone else, we give away our power. Why would I ever want to allow myself to get frustrated on behalf of someone else? Powerful people know how to influence their emotions. It's not about being emotionless, it's about how we give our power away.
When we don’t understand power, we don’t understand how we affect others. We don’t understand how one word, or a combination of words, can affect someone for the rest of their life (and their children).
When we don’t understand power, we don’t understand how our language and body (our biology) affect others. When we are afraid, we transmit that fear biologically to others through scent. Fear keeps us small. This is why personal growth is not personal. When we don’t understand power, our language can inaccurately shape someone’s view of the world.
Creatives versus the traditional “business man.” Take everything you think about a creative. Then take everything you think about how the traditional “business man” is portrayed. Who has the power? Well, creatives, by nature, create, and creating is a process of giving. How about the business man? Well, they’re takers, of course. They take, how else have they earned so much success? (Or so it would seem...)
One end of the spectrum is creatives not seeing their power. On the other end is the “business man” archetype "abusing" their power.
When we don’t understand power, we get defensive. The powerful person doesn’t get defensive... why give away their power to defending themselves? What a waste of energy. Truly powerful people have nothing to prove. I wonder, what are we defending when we get defensive, anyway? Maybe we’re defending our insecurities. Maybe we’re defending our fears. Maybe we don’t know how to reconcile the tension.
When we exert power over others without understanding power, we take away someone’s ability to embrace their power. Have you ever had a leader speak over you? A manager? A CEO? (A parent?) Words and titles aside... have you ever had another human being speak on your behalf ? If you know what I’m talking about, then you’re aware of this behavior. If not, imagine the person who doesn’t see objective reality? Imagine the person who has a choice in life, and then their choice is taken away because someone else exerted power and made the decision for them. Where is the learning here? Who maintains their strength? Who grows weaker?
Maybe my last analogy wasn’t clear enough. I’ll be more specific.
If you care about the people around you as a leader would, then you’ll pay close attention. Imagine someone makes $100, they’re on the way to the bank, and you stop them. Then, you threaten them, with a gun, and take away their money. You rob them. You become $100 richer, they become $100 poorer. The thing is, you were already “rich,” and they were already "poor." This is the challenge we face. This is what happens when we disrespect power. The rich become richer and the poor become poorer. I’m not talking about wealth, though, I’m talking about rich in power and poor in power. Another word here is “strength.” The strong become stronger and the weak become weaker. Every time we exert our power and speak over another human being, we rob that human being of becoming stronger. We rob that human being of thinking for themselves.
I wonder, where will a society of weak people lead us? How will that picture play out? Everything is a muscle. Every second we have is an opportunity to strengthen different muscles. Be wise, and do not rob people of their opportunity to grow.
(And, for the record, a society of "weak people" leaves us without leaders. I have heard, first-hand, from multiple CEOs that the single factor limiting their growth is a lack of leaders)
When we don’t understand power, we have the opportunity to learn from a surrender. Yes, we learn about power from a surrender. I’ve seen people struggle with substance abuse and stare death in the face before they accept this truth. I’ve heard, first-hand, multiple times, several CEOs disrespecting their power until a stroke, accident, or depression, wakes them up. Does it have to be this way? Does every person need to trip over themselves to learn the same lesson? Where does that leave humanity? I guess the answer is up for you to decide. (And by the way, I had to learn the hard way, I fell asleep at the wheel driving and drove into the center divider because I didn’t respect my power.)
How is power defined?
Dictionary.com says power is the “ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.” Another definition says, “great or marked ability to do or act; strength; might; force.”
In psychological terms, power is defined as “one’s capacity to alter another person’s condition or state of mind by providing or withholding resources—such as food, money, knowledge, and affection—or administering punishments, such as physical harm, job termination, or social ostracism.”
Bertrand Russell, a great philosopher of the 20th century, had a simple but profound definition: "Power is the ability to produce intended effects" (Russell, 1938).
While we’re at it, here are synonyms of power: strength, influence, potential, capability, force, intensity, muscle, authority.
And the antonyms: inability, incapacity, lack, weakness, disability, surrender, lazy, lethargic, disadvantage.
Do you resonate closer with the synonymous of power or the antonyms?
Until we’ve experienced, and intimately understand, being powerful and powerless, we cannot deeply understand this truth.
This goes beyond traditional definitions of power.
What is powerful to me is something that serves the human species. This is about the evolution of power away from our animal state and embracing the power of our humanity. This is about evolution in thought.
Ball is in your court.
What do you believe about power?
How does your belief affect you?
How does your belief affect our species?
To use my opening story, I believe power is vulnerability. Power is not getting on the dance floor and being powerful and deeply confident.
Power is being and embracing vulnerability. (The outsider may call this "courage")
Brene Brown defines vulnerability as risk, uncertainty, and emotional exposure. She would say vulnerability is the foundation of creativity, change, and innovation.
Hey creatives, are you listening? Your creativity is powerful.
At HX Works, I believe the human experience (HX) is about connection. I believe vulnerability helps us cultivate connection. I believe vulnerability is strength. This is evolved power. It’s interdependent power.
In our earliest days, we needed to be connected with one another in a tribe to fend off threats and find food. Disconnection from our pack was seen as a powerful act because it’s someone claiming their independence. This is why scarcity in business product lines is powerful and can increase demand... it moves people, it’s the way we’re wired.
Scarcity is powerful. But so is abundance. Confusing? Hey, this is a puzzling truth, not a simple one.
When I see groups of people helping others after a disaster, I see a powerful act.
When I see financial abundance and no material limitations, I see someone who is empowered to do good.
When I see 3 rare objects that exist in our world, I see powerful scarcity.
Sometimes, the powerful thing to do is to appear powerless.
Puzzling truth, not simple.
Ok, I realize that sharing my belief of power being about embracing vulnerability may seem unrealistic to some. Here’s another synonym I believe: power is influence.
Let me ask you, what do you have complete influence over?
Your internal or your external world?
How we usually relate to power
Most of us see power externally. External is obvious, it’s simpler. It requires the least amount of effort. It’s touchable, we can feel it. We can prove it. It’s not abstract.
Guess what happens when we don’t own our power, our vulnerability, or our ability to influence? Well, we blame. Blame is defined as the discharge of pain and discomfort.
Blame is usually external, isn’t it? Yup, external is easy. Pointing fingers is easy. Making negative remarks is easy. Maybe if we watch the news more often we can find more people to blame.
When we look for power externally, we see the things that occupy physical space. Guess what creates more physical space? Well, money can buy space, and stuff. More space, more stuff, more money, more power, right?
Listen, I get it, the external world is easy to comprehend. But what if you stopped looking outward and started looking inward? What if you stopped running away from the bear but instead confronted it?
Wait, what? When did a bear come into the picture?
Weak belief systems
Something that is weak lacks strength. Something that lacks strength is easily movable. It lacks conviction. It’s powerless.
Imagine with me.
Imagine you are out hiking in the forest and you see a bear.
Now, your first instinct may be to run for your life... but that’s a foolish idea. That will trigger the bear’s animal instinct and he’ll chase you. You can’t outrun a bear. (See where this is going?)
Confront the bear. Appear big. Make noise. Speak fiercely. Stand your ground.
But, if you didn’t know this, it probably wouldn’t be your first "rational" thought.
Sit with this idea for a moment. Sit with the idea of seeing a bear and running if you were not aware. It’s survival.
Now, let’s leave the physical bear world and go to the mental world.
Attaching your identity with what you do empowers the bear.
Let me say that again: when you identify what you do with who you are, you give power to the bear.
Imagine making a mistake. That’s something you do. If you say, “I am a mistake.” Then you feed the bear. (Or, “I am forgetful.” “I am dumb.” “I am stupid.” "I am a failure."... sound familiar?)
Why?
You feed the bear because, mentally, when you’re unaware that you’re doing this, and you’re unaware of how to respond, you’re running for your life. You’re running away from the bear. You’re not even using your own two eyes because you’re too busy focusing on your survival. You're trying to save yourself. Your identity is at stake!
Let’s bring this down to earth.
When you identify who you are with what you do, you’re only focused on saving who you are.
When you’re unaware of what to do when you see a bear, you’re running away, and you’re trying to find a safe zone.
When you’re unaware of identifying your identity with what you do, and when you’re unaware of how to respond, you’re always trying to find a safe zone.
Well, what is a safe zone in the mental world?
Glad you asked. The mental safe zone is connection.
The mental safe zone is the only thing that’s seen, nothing else.
Here are some examples...
You’re in a conversation. You don’t know how to listen to the person in front of you. Why? You’re too busy focused on what you’re going to respond with. You’re focused on your connection. You get what you focus on. That’s a safe zone, it’s what you needed as a child to survive and you haven’t outgrown that basic need.
You’re trying to do something for the first time but you can’t. You’re afraid that if someone sees you, you might be a fool, or a failure. Because you can’t see your connection in pursuing your dreams, or the future you want for yourself, you never try. You can’t imagine the safe zone.
You know you need help, but you won’t ask for it. Why? Because your identity is attached in the things you do, and you’re unaware, you may believe that asking for help makes you seem weak. More than making you seem weak, you’re afraid of the disconnection. You’re afraid that by asking for help you’re not running towards the safe zone, you’re running straight into danger.
You’re an entrepreneur running a company and you’re exerting yourself everywhere. Very authoritative, very forceful. Why? You’re trying to find the safe zone. Because identity is associated with the business, and you’re unaware, you’re always running from the bear. You’re always running to find the safe zone in business and all you care about is trying to control everything until that safe zone is reached. The thing is, it never will be reached, and either nature's law will force a surrender or someone will rob everyone around them of their strength and power until they leave this existence.
Do not feed the bear. Do not identify your sense of self with what you do. Detach.
There is power in detachment.
(For the record, feeding the bear is also known as shame, and it’s highly highly correlated with addiction, depression, suicide, perfectionism, etc)
If you believe that power is only for a certain type of person, then you’ll never own that power.
If you believe that we all live in the same physical world, you’ll never examine your internal world. The truth is, we don’t live in the same world. Our external world is the result of our internal world.
If you believe that achieving power and creating and building something powerful takes effort, then you create friction for effort.
You may hear some say, “It’s not personal, it’s just business.” It doesn’t matter what it is, if you make it personal, then you’re giving away your power to external forces. This is a weak belief system. Weak belief systems do not advance the human species.
The question is, do you believe you have the power to change your beliefs?
This is true power
When you are powerful, you will know it. Not because of a title, or a position, or a place that someone has put you into, but because you’re aware of your power.
When power is understood, and respected, our species has the potential to thrive together.
First, you must understand, this takes effort.
If you’ve made it this far, I commend you. Re-read this every day for a month, share it with people, talk about it, and I’ll admire you more. Build conviction.
For a seed to grow into a strong tree, it must crack through the shell. It must grow roots. It must grow in size and height and weight. This takes effort. It takes progress. This is a natural law.
For you, to deeply understand power, it must move from unconscious incompetence, to conscious incompetence, to conscious competence, to unconscious competence.
Power is an investment in self. You’re worth it.
If you choose to embark on this journey, or are already on it, I want you to know it will get uncomfortable. It will require surrender. It will create discomfort. And you may reclaim your life back.
Yes. You may reclaim your life because you'll know you're not living a life running from the bear. You've learned to confront the bear. Surviving versus living.
Understand that power begins within.
Your own true influence lives within. It’s influence over self.
If you believe you have the power to change your beliefs, and your thoughts patterns, read on.
This is a natural law, like gravity. We can accept it, or we can defend it and never realize it.
Earlier, I said that we often think we live in the same world. We don’t. What’s different between people, then, if we don’t live in the same world?
Your self-awareness.
Your self-awareness determines how you see the world.
This is a game of perspective. This is about seeing your blind spots.
Let’s begin with the body.
To understand power, and vulnerability, and influence, you must understand your body.
You must respect your body. You know, the usual – eat healthy, exercise, what you put in is what you get out. Get sleep. Meditate.
Can a tree survive a powerful storm if the foundation is weak? Great question. Can you live life at your best if your foundation (your body) is weak? Respecting your body creates strength. Strength is power.
Listen to your body. Either you have influence (power) over your body, or you don’t. If you respond out of anger, frustration, anxiety, or nervousness, then your body has the influence. To understand this behavior, know what triggers you, and understand how your body responds. Embrace the feeling. You cannot influence what you do not understand. If you get nervous and experience fight or flight from almost experiencing a car accident in your body, that’s healthy. If you respond by cursing, then refine the habit (because you’re giving away more power than needed). If you find that certain words trigger anger, frustration, or certain uncontrollable emotion, then you’re giving your power away to language. Dig. Find the root cause. Dig. Ask yourself, “What is causing me to feel this way? What happened? What do I believe that is causing me to feel this way?” I’m not saying to remove your emotions, I’m saying to understand them so you can move beyond them. Habits, that’s all it is.
To create your power, you must face the bear.
We experience life based on our biology and/or the stories we tell ourselves. As I wrote about in an article on depression, the stories we tell ourselves (in our mind) affect our biology. Powerful.
Understand that conscious or not, your body affects others. Your face expressions. People can feel your mood. You influence others and may not even know it.
Face silence. Many fear silence because they're too busy running. You are your own roommate for your whole life. Why not become comfortable with yourself? (It will help you become comfortable with others)
Understand that power is often portrayed in size. There is a reason there is a powerful visual of a CEO sitting at his desk with his feet on the table. That posture makes him appear big. If you want to start feeling your power, you have take up space. Pay attention to how you show up in your life. Pay attention to how you show up in your relationships, at work, with clients, when you’re alone. Do you curl up into the fetal position? That’s small. Do you keep your hands on your face? That keeps your power small. Do you keep your arms tucked in and close to your sides? That keeps you small. Or do you own your space? Not overly aggressive, but do you own your space?
Understand your mind.
Embrace metacognition. Find time to be introspective. Reflect on your thoughts, your patterns, and the stories you tell yourself. Overturn every rock in your life and look underneath. When you do things, find out, what do you get out of the things you do? What do you get out of saying certain phrases? What do you get out of your hobbies? Are you living out a pattern? Are you finding joy? Are you acting out of fear? Are you leading with trust?
Until you surrender to the voice within, you will live in your own mental prison. I understand, fear keeps us playing small. Listen, I get it. But I am telling you, you are safe. This is not life or death. This is not about survival. Our biological gift of fear used to support our survival. Now it prevents us from living. Stop identifying who you are with the things you do. Do not feed the bear. This is a surrender because until you accept that you experience life based off the stories you tell yourself, you won’t be able to see the stories, let alone influence them. Until you surrender to your story, you won’t be able to have power over it. To write the ending of a book, you must understand where you’re at.
Your freedom lives between cause and effect. Something causes you to do something and you create the effect. Something triggers you and you choose your response. Stimuli and response. This is where your power lives. This is within complete control, if you believe it to be.
Understand your language.
One way to understand your mind is to pay attention to your language. Pay attention to the words you speak and the words you write. Reflect on this at the end of every day. “What did I communicate today?” Ask yourself.
Pay attention to whether the world you have created for yourself is full of scarcity or abundance. Remember, scarcity is unevolved power. Abundance is evolved power. My world is abundant. Friends, family, love, nature, safety, surprise, gifts, hobbies, everything is abundant. This is an internal decision, not an external one. I am rich. Richness is abundance. This is not about money... I define what number makes me feel rich. I could be broke and still feel rich because I have the power to decide where I focus. My practice of gratitude allows me to focus on what I have which allows me to focus on having enough. In a world of lack, this truth is priceless. No, literally, this is priceless. Gratitude gives you the power to live longer. If you don’t believe me, google it. I’ve shared enough with you.
Do you ever not share something or not do something because you don’t want to “burden someone?” This is correlated with depression. Stop it. This statement tells me you do not understand your power. If you did, you would know that you don’t decide what burdens someone and what does not burden someone. If you want to know, you have to ask that person. “Do you mind if I share something very personal with you?” Otherwise, you’re not protecting someone else, you’re protecting yourself from vulnerability. Ask someone for yourself, focus on yourself, that is where your truest power lives.
If you feel powerless when communicating with “powerful” people, pay attention to your words. Do you preface with “in my experience” and “I think” and “I believe?” Or do you try to make bold statements that can be fought because you’re not respecting the power of your words? When your words powerfully reflect natural law, you can minimize mental tension. Speak in the context of your experience.
If you’re unsure about what someone else wants or wishes for themselves, ask them. Do not decide for them. Remember, when you exert power and decide for someone else you rob them of becoming stronger. Great leaders respect this truth. When my team members come to me with questions, I don't give them answers. I help them find their own answers. I don't want people asking me questions, I want people around me to have the strength and power of deciding and thinking for themselves.
Pay attention to how often you use “I” and “you” when you talk. When you tell stories, do you share the story with “you” statements (eg. trying to put the person in your shoes) or “I” statements? Where does your power live? It lives within you. Do you have the power to speak over yourself or others? Yourself. So speak over yourself with the word “I.” By nature, when we tell stories by using the word “you” we separate ourselves from our own story. That weakens us and gives our power to someone else. This is a habit. If you want to work on it, write it down, remind yourself every day. The more you’re self-aware, the more you’ll see in others. Often, when we switch from “I” to “you” statements we separate ourselves from the story which shows that we’re uncomfortable. When you understand your power, you are comfortable with it. You are not afraid of it.
If you want to do something that involves someone else and you are not sure about their time, state your intention. Remember, vulnerability is power. When you can transparently share why you’re doing something, it’s no guessing game, and others can decide accurately.
When you ask for something, be specific. There is power in clarity. When someone has a vague request, I can either ask them to clarify, or I can not ask them... and as a result, they don’t get what they want because they weren’t specific enough. Weak and vague requests get weak and vague responses. Clarity is powerful. The greatest thing you can do for yourself is ask for what you want when you want it. Remember, power is vulnerability. Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Asking, specifically, requires a level of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Embrace it.
If you are learning nothing here, then to take your power to the next level, increase your self-awareness. The more you learn to see yourself accurately, the more you can reconstruct your world. The more you understand your language, and the more you understand your relationship to your language, the more you can hack your life. I explored this in-depth in an article about self-awareness. (This process can actually increase your lifespan)
Understanding humility and power, together
It’s easy to read this post and be anti-power in everything because you believe in “humility.”
Humility and power can co-exist. Humility is often misunderstood, so let’s clear that up. Remember, if you believe you have power over yourself, you’re able to change the definitions to be what you want.
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” C. S. Lewis
Remember my bear analogy from above? When we feed the bear, or when we attach our identity with the things we do, we’re focused on ourselves which causes us to think so much about ourselves. When you’re powerful, you know it, accept it, and embrace it, and you don’t need to focus on self so much.
Dictionary.com defines humility as “the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.”
Humility keeps you in perspective.
We often think the opposite of humility is arrogance, pride, and ego. Often, that stuff can be associated with power. As I said above, this power is weak and unevolved. True power has nothing to prove.
Humility helps us to respect differences. It helps us to understand our piece in the puzzle. (It helps us understand where we fit in the world.)
Here's some "reset language" I often use: I am 1 of 7 billion people in the world. I am doing the best I can, with what I've been given, with where I'm at in life. If I experience something, it is either due to my biology, or the story I am telling myself. What story am I telling myself?
Humility is the ultimate perspective hack to power.
Humility is what allows us to truly play big.
Remember, above I said that our freedom lives between cause and effect. When something provokes, or causes us, we have the freedom, or the power, to respond, or to create an effect.
False power lacks this freedom between cause and effect. False power is unexamined and comes from a place of an animal instinct (like uncontrollable competitiveness).
Here’s an example...
Look at the difference between small dogs and big dogs.
Small dogs constantly yap and bark and sometimes they can be annoying. Small dogs try to prove they’re big.
Big dogs have nothing to prove, they know they’re big. No yapping, no barking. If there is a threat, they will handle it.
Humans have the power to become the big dog. We can create meaning and change our relationship with our words. This is created internally, not externally.
Big dogs respond in big ways. Small dogs respond in small ways.
Truly powerful people respond in big ways. False power responds in small ways.
Truly powerful people respect their freedom to respond. False power is being controlled by the power.
True power has a conscious.
False power responds like a dog fighting for food. Like an animal fighting for survival. Maybe like you running from the bear.
Have you ever been around someone who was calm, and made you feel respected, and powerful, and gave you the freedom to be you? Maybe they made you feel big? This is the psychology behind “servant leadership.” When we don’t understand power, we like feeling powerful, or feeling big, so we like the idea of being served. The smart servant understands this dynamic. They understand that serving others is not about status, it’s a powerful posture.
The natural power laws
For us to show up powerfully with others, we must first learn how to show up powerfully with ourselves.
In school, we waited for the teacher to call upon us when we raised our hand. This lie often infiltrates adulthood. Powerful people choose themselves and their own power.
What you cannot do slow, you cannot do fast.
Yes, what you cannot slow down, and fully comprehend – both in your mind, and how you feel – you cannot comprehend quickly. Great high performers know this. Firefighters don’t rush into a burning home. Navy seals don’t run into dangerous territory. Doctors don’t rush procedures. Measure twice, cut once.
For strong habits to be built, they must be broken down, unpacked, and put back together.
Think about products. Who understands them the most? The person who can take it apart and put it back together. Think about food. The chef knows it the best, they know all the ingredients. This happens from deep awareness. This happens from examination. In today’s hyper-connected fast world, you won’t build strength and power if you don’t learn how to slow down.
Alignment is power.
Alignment. Look around in nature. Study plant life and animal life. Everything affects everything else. When everything is aligned, it works. There is power in alignment. Apple is a powerful company because they are aligned and in tune with their deepest purpose – to think differently. This is about harmony.
And while you’re at it, define your life purpose. That’s within your power to define. It may change. Find something that resonates with the deepest part of your being. And then, align with it. Enhance the power.
This is not about passion. This is about conviction. Learn from patterns if you want to build strength. Create intense conviction in your life. Build your foundation from this place and align with your convictions. Align your language, your body, your beliefs, your values, and your convictions. Leverage it all. That is powerful.
If you’re affected by an external force, what are you allowing power over you? Do you accept that?
True power has a conscious behind it
True power has a conscious behind it. It is mindful. It is thoughtful. It is calm. Full of thought.
When true power has a conscious, it keeps perspective (humility), and it’s kept in check. This is a habit.
When true power has a conscious, it’s sustainable. Having a conscious is powerful.
Power is vulnerability
I’ve written before about why we need to find strength in vulnerability.
Vulnerability is risk, uncertainty, and emotional exposure.
When you’re vulnerable, you’re allowing yourself to be truly seen.
Here’s an example...
As you grow, your skin grows with you. This is not the case with a snake, which is why a snake has to shed its skin. A snake sheds its skin so that it can grow. As human beings, mentally, you can never grow unless you allow yourselves to be seen. When you allow yourself to be seen, you respect the real you, and you allow yourself to detach from it over time... similar to how a snake sheds its skin.
Vulnerability respects what is real within the human experience.
No hiding, no lying, no deception, only the raw truth.
Understand external power
I realize most of this post is about your internal power – over your biology and your mind. The truest power that is exerted externally is when people want it.
For example, you can powerfully force someone to do what you want (and rob them of their power). Or, you can influence them to do what you want. Some call it persuasion. This is not deceptive, it’s giving someone the power over their life to make their own decision.
I believe the human experience (HX) is about connection. The most powerful moments we experience are when we make our own connections. When people want to do something with you, that’s powerful. Not forced, only influenced. This becomes even more sustainable when we’re mindful of the connection someone makes and we know how it affects them (through asking). True power starts with self and radiates externally.
Power is awareness
The more you understand and have the awareness over the connections to yourself, the more you can influence the connections within yourself. The habits, patterns, unique biology, genetic factors, and stories you tell yourself. You cannot influence what you cannot see.
Stop running from the bear, face within
You can spend your whole life running from yourself, or you can face yourself, and you can own the power within.
Confront the bear. Now you have the awareness. Now you have the instruction. No excuses.
Stop drowning out that voice within. Confront it. If that means therapy, make it happen. Getting lost in TV, in alcohol, in addictive tendencies, in your smartphone, in YouTube videos, etc... only keep you running away from yourself.
Reflect on when you’ve felt powerful
Reflect on your life. Find the times when you liked yourself the most. Find the times where you loved the way you showed up in the world. Find the times when you allowed yourself to be fully seen. Find the times that you were embraced and felt powerful. What were the similarities? Were you allowing yourself to be truly seen? What did you have in your life at the time? How can you be more of that person?
Tell your story
When you understand your story, tell it the way that you want. To do this, you must first detach from your story.
Your story says more about you than the story.
I can say that I struggled for the last 10 years or I can say I was on a journey to become who I am in this moment. Pay attention to the language. What if you changed the language?
It’s not a lie. It’s a conscious decision to choose how you show up in the world.
When you find your power, focus it
Yes, focus your power. This can only come after effort has been invested.
A magnifying glass paired with the sun can start a fire. Your power can start a fire in your life. What will you do with that fire?
When you know what you give, and when you step into your power, you will understand your value.
Your value to the world is your legacy.
When you don’t understand your power, and when you’re running from the bear, you’re only focused on what you get. This leaves you blind to what others get from you (eg. what you give). You think you’re liked because you associate your identity with what you do but a powerful person understands the value you bring for them in their world. Two powerful people who are interdependent know the value they provide for one another.
When you focus your power, put yourself in the place of most potential.
When you focus your power, you have conversations that are within your power to influence. Do you complain about things outside of your power? Do you talk about things outside of your power? Stop it.
When you focus your power, you protect your power. You don't let outside factors influence you. You don't give your power away to others.
When you focus your power, you understand what you teach others. Do you teach others that you show up on time? Do you teach others that you can be trusted? Do you teach others that you are reliable? Do you teach others about what you're great at or do you spend more time talking about your weaknesses? When you understand your power, you understand that you are always teaching others about yourself.
Build your goals around what you have power over. Don't build goals around making sales calls and closing a specific number of sales. That's a goal based outside of your power. Build goals based off of how many phone calls you can make. You can control that.
Where can you be that is so deeply aligned with your deepest sense of self that you cannot be ignored?
The evolution of power
As a species, thanks to technology connecting us, we are waking up to this truth. Technology is the checks and balances against humanity. Smartphones, instant communication, and instant video, are holding people accountable. False power is being revealed and will not stand the test of time. True power will win. Evolved power will win.
The Internet is the great equalizer. Respect its powers.
One life. You decide.
If you made it this far, I commend your intense desire to understand. Because that’s what it takes.
When you think your power is small, you will play small.
When you respect and understand your power, you’ll play a bigger game. Like a big dog.
But you have to want it.
You have to want it for yourself more than anyone else wants it for you.
I can write powerfully and create powerful visuals but at the end of the day... you must want it. You must tell yourself: you will grow until the day you die.
This is your power.
Your external world is a result of your internal world.
If you want to change your inner world so you can change your outer world, learn about our introspective experience.
