I vividly remember it.
I was doing the best I could in a previous business.
I thought things were going relatively well, despite a general lack of momentum.
I remember it being a strange feeling.
My energy was always low and I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning.
I remember stumbling across an article that suggested that struggling to get out of bed in the morning could be a sign of depression.
What? Me? Depressed? Ha.
Eventually, my energy came back, and time moved on. Aside from that, I never dwelled too much on the idea of depression, and I never associated with the label “depression.”
Over the years, as a full-time entrepreneur, I’ve experienced much ups and downs.
Financial uncertainties.
The kind of uncertainty where I had no more financial options. I maxed out every possible route to sustain my business.
The kind of uncertainty where my financial runway was weeks and I had to communicate such uncertainties to my team.
I’ve had high highs where travel kept me inspired.
I’ve also had moments where I’ve laid on the couch in the fetal position for hours. Numb to life, paralyzed by thought.
I’ve been to a therapist that specializes in anxiety.
I’ve had different moments throughout different businesses where I’ve found myself up at 4am. My mind racing. Unable to fall back to sleep.
I may have never been labeled as “clinically depressed,” but I also have never tried to be.
DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional doctor or psychiatrist. This is not medical advice. If you struggle with depression and need someone to talk to, please call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. This article will be deep and I will connect many dots to share a new perspective. If you are “tight on time,” I would suggest re-visiting this later. This is not a quick read. (Then again, that very belief of being “tight on time” may leave you vulnerable to depression)
Stories from entrepreneurs about depression
I am going to share various stories from accomplished entrepreneurs and popular articles in the tech world about depression and highlight their language. Pay close attention to the words they choose. I’ll share my personal question to the language in italics. (Note: I am not being critical, or judgmental, only curious and thought-provoking. I respect and value and honor everyone's journey.)
Sam Altman is the President of Y Combinator, which is generally regarded as the best seed-stage accelerator in the world. He is also an entrepreneur and venture capitalist and he openly shared his thoughts on depression.
In his article, he said: “There is a huge amount of pressure as a founder to never show weakness and to be the cheerleader in all internal and external situations.” He also says, “So a lot of founders end up pretty depressed at one point or another, and they generally don’t talk to anyone about it. Often companies don’t survive these dark times.”
If I believed I was under a “huge amount of pressure,” I wonder, how would that affect me?
If I didn’t talk to anyone about it, I wonder, how would that affect me?
In another article...
Several founders anonymously shared their struggles with depression on Techcrunch. Notice the bolded text below.
“Work can be cool and it defines many people, but for me it was destroying me and I was missing the best parts of life.”
If I believed that my work defined me, how would that affect me?
“I still get depressed from time-to-time but that’s probably natural for my personality, I’m a very sensitive person.”
If I believed that depression is natural for my personality, how would that affect me? How would that affect my growth?
"I think once you have the success of someone like Brad Feld you can be public about it. Because he has proven he can be very successful even with depression."
If I believed that I could only become public about depression after success, how would that affect me?
“I’m answering these questions anonymously for the very fact that there is a stigma. I risk my livelihood if it comes out that I am a depressive because of the discrimination that we face. With Google everything is now at everyone’s fingertips. If I out myself as a depressive then that is tied to me for life. It means that potential clients could see that and decide not to enter into a business relationship with me because they thing that I just lie in bed all day, that I won’t be able to properly handle their campaigns or that I’m a pill-popping junkie. These stigmas are not going to go away any time soon and so for now it’s best that I just stay quiet about it.”
If I believed “there is a stigma” about depression and if I chose to live with that fear, how would that affect me?
If I believed saying I was “depressive” would be “tied to me for life,” how would that affect me? How would that affect my ability to change?
If I believed in stigmas and thought I should stay quiet about it, how would that affect me?
In another article...
In “The Psychological Price of Entrepreneurship,” the author says:
“Until recently, admitting such sentiments was taboo. Rather than showing vulnerability, business leaders have practiced what social psychiatrists call impression management--also known as ‘fake it till you make it.’”
If I believed that I was “faking it until I make it,” how would that affect me?
(I’ve written before about how detrimental this behavior is.)
Founder Mark Woeppel of Pinnacle Strategies says, "I used to be like, 'My work is me,' " he says. ‘Then you fail.’”
If I believed that my work is me, how would that affect me? How would that affect me if I failed?
In another article...
From the co-founder of 42floors, he shared:
“This is startup depression. It happens. It happens to all of us. We get it and deal with it in different ways, but we all get it. There's no way to avoid it in this line of work. Entrepreneurs choose this life and the rollercoasters are very real.”
If I believed that there was no way to avoid depression, how would that affect me?
In another article...
Noah Kagan writes,
"It finally dawned on me a few weeks later that my daily feelings were fluctuating with our sales numbers. Ha."
If I associate my state of being with an external condition like this, how does that affect me?
In another article...
From Dana, co-founder of Startups Anonymous, in an article titled, “Founder Depression, a Suicide Note and the Importance of Anonymity.”
"Sadly, we still live in a world where mental flaws are unacceptable."
If I chose to believe that I live in a world where mental flaws are unacceptable, how would that affect me?
In another article...
Rand Fishkin, then CEO of Moz, shared the following in an article titled, "A Long, Ugly Year of Depression That’s Finally Fading."
"I was seriously depressed for a long time, and a lot of people close to me knew it even when I didn’t know myself."
If I was depressed and didn't know it, I wonder, why didn't I know it? How could I be aware of it?
"That depression, I believe, stems from shame."
If my depression stems from shame, how can I work through my shame?
"What made me so foolish? Why was I so bullheaded? The answer’s obvious — I was arrogant."
If I believed I was arrogant, how does that play into my depression?
"Bam. Moment of epiphany. My [physical] pain is tied to anxiety and stress (probably)..."
If I believe (and experienced) my physical pain being tied to anxiety and stress, what could I do to manage anxiety and stress more effectively?
NOTE: All of these depression quotes are from real people who experienced their own form of depression. I want to pause to acknowledge the realness of these different realities and beliefs.
A new perspective
I believe in being proactive. Living deliberately, with intention.
I believe that the human experience (HX) is about connection.
I believe that I am the sum of my connections.
I believe that I am living at my best when I am connected to my deepest truest sense of self.
As a human being, I am connected to my human spirit, to my biology, and to the language I use. Underlying my language is my connection to my language.
I believe my experiences are affected by my biology and by my inner narrative (self-awareness).
Let’s unpack this.
Biology
I’m connected to my body.
This may sound obvious. The next question is: knowing I am connected to my body, what do I do to optimize it? This part is fairly scientific.
Get 7-8 hours of sleep.
Exercise.
The above 2 items are natural laws that I would be a fool to fight. (And trust me, I have tried to fight it)
In an answer from Chris Yeh, on Quora, he said: "You wouldn't expect your laptop to perform well if you stopped charging the battery and repeatedly dropped it on the ground, so why do you treat your body that way?"
I’m connected to my DNA and to my brain chemistry. For me, addiction runs on both sides of my family. Thus, it’s a high probability my biology can have addictive tendencies. How do I counter this?
The DNA and genetics are things I do not choose. I have to understand this connection to my biology, respect it, and execute life against it.
Narrative
Next, we are connected to our narrative. The narrative is our inner dialog. It’s the way we see the world.
This inner narrative is formed from several connections over time. Some of it is instilled by our parents, influences we’ve had over life, society, culture, and more.
As an aside, I've rarely watched TV since age 9 (by choice).
A common flaw is thinking we live in the same world. We don’t.
I remember one time I was chosen for jury duty. There were 12 of us who were on the jury. We all experienced the same thing... but when we went to discuss it, I remember being amazed at how different people experienced different parts of the case. None good or bad, it’s simply the connections people made in their mind.
Our narrative is made up of several beliefs about the world. Some of it is conscious, some are patterns passed onto our subconscious that we’re not aware of.
While we’re talking about narrative, it’s important to talk about language.
This is where the real power lives. It’s within our language.
Imagine if you were never told that the sky was blue. What would you call it?
Imagine if the way you thought about words affected the way you experienced them. For instance, do you believe stress is good or bad for you?
When you hear someone speaking another language that you don’t understand, how does it make you feel? But what if they say a word you understand, how does that make you feel?
Yes, I am saying the standard English language may not serve you.
Connecting our biology and narrative with depression
Before I continue, know that what I am about to say takes effort.
Life is effort.
In nature, a seed requires effort to break through the shell for its greatest expression.
I believe that depression is not always our biology. The cure is not always taking drugs (which treats the symptom). I am not saying that biology does not play a role, or brain chemistry does not play a role, I think it can. If blame is the discharge of discomfort and pain, it's easy to blame my biology and not take ownership for my thoughts or self-awareness. Is it always biology? The science is still evolving.
What I am saying is that we experience life based off the stories we tell ourselves about life.
Let’s unpack an example.
If I say, “I am depressed.” What am I doing? I am connecting myself to whatever I believe it means to “be depressed.” The next question is: what do you believe it means to "be depressed?"
This may be difficult to understand. Here’s something backed by research: Earlier, I asked what you believe about stress.
If you say, “I am stressed,” you are connecting yourself to whatever you believe “stress” means. The physiological definition of stress from dictionary.com says, “a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism.”
The deeper connection is: do you believe stress is good or bad for you?
If you believe stress is good for you, you live longer.
If you believe stress is bad for you, you die sooner.
You might be wondering, “How can I believe stress is good for me?” I believe that stress is my body gearing up for battle. I’m going to fight. And I believe, that’s good.
If this sounds crazy, watch this TEDx talk from stress researcher Kelly McGonigal on “How to make stress your friend.”
Are you still with me?
I believe in proactive living. I believe I am connected to my human spirit, to my biology, and to my inner narrative. I believe I am the sum of the connections I make.
As can be learned from the TEDx talk on stress, our construct, or our beliefs around words, affects the way we experience them. Our thoughts overpower our biology.
Allow me to say that again: Our thoughts overpower our biology.
That is, our narrative, the stories we tell ourselves, and the connections we make to our words, have the power to affect our biology.
Sound crazy?
Watch this TEDx talk of a miracle on Mt. Everest. Thought saved his life. Specifically, someone who was frozen in the snow for 2 days, deemed "dead" by onlookers, thought about his family and his kids and created the power to move his body.
Ever seen the movie 127 Hours? It’s about a mountain biker who was trapped for days and would have died. A precognition, or a vision about his future child, saved the biker’s life and led him to do the unthinkable (and cut off his arm with a dull knife).
Still not sold? How about this, read these articles from Google on how meditation can change your brain. Yes, the simple act of being mindful, or full of mind, can change your brain structure.
Knowing what I know about the power of language and how it has the ability to affect me, I am careful of my words.
For instance, I am mindful when I say things such as, “I am _______.”
Insert whatever you want. I never say:
I am forgetful.
I am bad.
I am stupid.
I am a failure.
I am depressed.
Language is powerful.
Associating who I am, my core sense of identity, with things like “failure” or “bad” is the foundation of shame. When shame is our unconscious driver, it can lead to an undesirable life.
I’ve written about this subconscious illness before.
I’ve written about the paradox between personal and business growth and how it must be respected.
I’ve written about my struggles with perfectionism and how it’s rooted in shame.
Shame is the fear of disconnection from others.
Since we get what we focus on, when we live with shame, or fear of disconnection, we have strong blind spots. We’re in survival mode, acting in ways that keep us connected to others.
We’re blinded because we’re only focused on getting connection with others.
We’re only focused on our words, and how we can connect with others.
We’re only focused on how we can contribute, how we can add value, to connect with others.
In a powerful article, I explained this survival mode in-depth. It's about the bear in your blind spot.
We’re not deeply listening because we’re too focused on ourselves.
Why am I talking about shame in a depression article?
As shame researcher Brené Brown says, shame is highly, highly correlated with depression.
Going deeper on depression
Depression is affected by our beliefs about our world.
Our beliefs are only that, a belief. Our beliefs are not us.
This is personal, very individualized, and often rarely talked about.
Our actions and our words project our beliefs.
Some of our beliefs are known to us, some are not. It takes effort to unturn the rocks in our life and look underneath. And let’s be honest, that process can be painful. I've been in conversation and came to uncontrollable tears before from something I discovered.
Depression can be caused by what we believe about life.
The most powerful moments in our lives are when we make our own connections. When we connect our own thoughts, and when we decide for ourselves. We often don’t like others to tell us what to do so we ignore it. When we learn to accept natural laws of our existence, we advance a level. That may require surrender, though, I hope you’re ready.
Ready to go deeper?
Why depression is common among founders and entrepreneurs
What do founders and entrepreneurs do?
They create something out of nothing.
They assume risk.
Creating something on this level is, by nature, a vulnerable act.
To be vulnerable is to embrace uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure (per Brené Brown). Great leaders understand this.
When we’re vulnerable, we’re exposing ourselves.
Guess what?
We don’t experience life as it is. We experience life as we are.
Sometimes, founders, entrepreneurs, or people who want to own something “worthwhile,” are not driven by a deep desire to build a business. They’re driven by a deep desire to be worthwhile.
Sometimes, founders get caught up chasing the perfect entrepreneurial archetype. You know, the person who sold their startup for a billion+. When we do this, we end up chasing our worth like a dog chasing a car. The dog will never catch up to the car. Our external reality is the result of our internal reality.
To some, money is not a tool to support life. It’s a way of a validation.
If I experience life as I am, and if I’m deeply insecure, then I overcompensate by trying to create security around me. That leaves me trying to control things outside of my power. Guess what happens when this belief (conscious or not) doesn’t serve me? Guess what happens when I cannot create security around all the people, investments, and customers, with my company? That results in me, overextended, in every direction... it numbs me, it leaves me weak, maybe even depressed. (I’ve written about how insecurities can be harmful)
What brought you here won’t get you there.
Many entrepreneurs, founders, and CEOs, get depressed because of their blind spots. These behaviors run at the unconscious level. They’re hard to spot and no one talks about it, I get it. I’m not being critical, I’m bringing light to darkness. We have legacies to live.
The best part? With intentional effort, this is all a perspective change. It’s simple. Not easy, simple.
Putting in the effort
I realize it’s easy to read this and think, “Wow, that’s a lot of work. That’ll take discipline for me to truly understand this.”
Yes, that’s true, it is a lot of work. It will take discipline.
Oh, while we’re at it, what do you believe about discipline? What word is synonymous with discipline for you? I’m curious.
I believe discipline is about freedom.
I value freedom, and by believing this, I make discipline attractive.
How is that belief even possible?
Think about it.
If I am disciplined.
If I am eating healthy, sleeping well, exercising, I have the freedom to live at higher levels of mastery. I have the freedom to create. To travel. To hike. To think deeply. To have profound conversation. That’s freedom for me.
Victor Frankl, a survivor of the concentration camps, puts it best in “Man’s search for meaning.” He says that our freedom lives between stimulus and response.
This is what it means to be responsible.
Response-able.
It’s your ability to respond.
I want that to be a conscious decision. For me, for you. That’s the world I live in.
In an article titled, “The True Cause of Depression” in Psychology Today, Alex Lickerman, M.D., said this:
“Where, then, does the true cause of depression lie? I would argue that depression arises at its core from a belief that we're powerless to solve our problems.”
Later in the article he said, “we now have proof[...] that changes in thinking cause significant, measurable changes in brain chemistry and functioning.”
As Brad Feld has wrote about, founders commit suicide over this stuff because it’s not understood. These are natural laws. We must learn how to respect them and live within them. Would you fight gravity?
I know, it takes effort to realize and accept that the world we live in may not serve us. That is, our beliefs, the stories we tell ourselves, and our narratives, may not serve us. This is what separates the human species from animals. We have the power to create meaning.
I want to say this again: it requires self-honesty to accept that the world we created for ourselves, or that you created for yourself, may not serve you. If this article does not move you, then I wonder what will force your surrender. I’ve shared my surrender.
And while we're at it, you are not your thoughts. You are not your narrative. Your narrative is simply that: a narrative. Connections within your brain. When you identify who you are with the thoughts you have, you give power to shame which creates fear which creates mental tension which prevents your growth.
I believe in being proactive. I believe I can change my thoughts. Do you?
Cures, solutions, and answers
Ok, you’ve read this far, and you get it.
Maybe you’ve accepted that your truth so far in life has been lying to you.
Things aren’t extremely clear, but it makes sense.
You’re wondering, how do you move through this?
How do you refine your perspective?
How do you evolve your beliefs to better serve you?
How do you mold your language to better serve you?
Remember when I said that I believe the human experience (HX) is about connection?
Ok, let’s examine this under that lens.
If you are currently connected to belief systems and language that does not serve you, how do you disconnect from it?
How do you get it away from you?
The answer: Disconnect yourself from your reality.
What?
Yes, put everything out there. Allow yourself to be truly seen. Embrace transparency.
Silence only feeds the depression.
Find close friends or family that you can share this stuff with. Overcommunicate without being asked. Initiate deep conversation with others. When you say your words out loud, pay attention to your words, reflect on them at the end of the day, and ask yourself: How did you feel saying certain things? How did people respond? What feedback did you get? What words did you choose? (What words did you not choose?)
If that seems like too much too fast, start journaling nightly. Ask yourself questions to raise your awareness. Reflect on your day, write what you could have done better, what you did well, what you’re grateful for, what you’re learning, what you want, what you accept, what you trust in. Be specific in your answers. The more you write this stuff down, or talk about it, the more you disconnect yourself from it. It’s all in the mind.
The more you detach yourself from your words through writing or speaking with others, the more you separate yourself from your reality. I want you to laugh after 100 days of answering the same question or sharing something deeply personal with 100 people. Then your powerful truth will set in. At some point, you will say, “I can’t believe I thought that.” More big talk, less small talk.
Reset your perspective.
One practice I engage in often is to stop, breath, and think this: “I am 1 of ~7 billion people in this world. If I experience something, it is either because of my biology, or the story I tell myself. What story am I telling myself? Is it serving me? How is it affecting me? What can I change my story to?”
Let’s build off that last one...
Do you believe that you’re doing the best you can, with what you’ve been given, with where you’re at in life?
I do. Do you know how liberating that is? It’s not an excuse to be lazy. It’s the foundation of self-empathy, self-love, and self-understanding. When I can connect myself to that reality, I can extend that reality to others. When my beliefs fill up my own glass of water that I can drink from, I can then share that with others. I unpack this belief more here.
Repetition.
If anything in this resonated, set a reminder to read it again later. Set a monthly reminder. This truth won’t change, you will. Lifelong patterns and beliefs get stronger the deeper we understand them and allow them to manifest. Strengthen your conviction.
If you struggle, it’s because you’ve defined the struggle. You have the power to change that. School never taught us how to exist. School never taught us “how to be” in this world or “how to show up.” I am calling you to show up more powerfully. Not for yourself, but for those around you. To inspire legacy.
Reframe depression to be a reminder that if you see yourself getting depressed, immediately go into “maintenance mode.” Spend more time reflecting, more time in silence, more time being calm, more time deeply opening up to those around you. More time being selfish. Ask yourself, are you exercising? How are your sleeping habits? Where can you add more variety in your life to disconnect yourself from the thing that "depresses" you?
Remember, you come first in your life. We’re burdened by the societal message of “selfish being bad.” I don’t know about you, but when I show up in my life, I want to be full of self. I want to be a full glass of water. I want to share my glass of water with others because it’s extremely hot outside. I take my sleep, I take my lunches, I take my breaks, I take my walks, I take my time to journal, I take my time. If I don’t do it for me, no one else will. Who are you living your life for? Yourself? Or your business? Or clients? Or customers? When you learn how to show up powerfully with yourself, you can then show up powerfully elsewhere.
Every experience, every second of the day, is an opportunity to learn. Believe this. If it’s something you already know, then strengthen your conviction. Intensify it. Understand it in a way you’ll never forget it. What is there to learn about yourself? To learn about others? To learn about business? To learn about your health?
Understand what makes you depressed. I know when I get depressed. 40 chrome tabs open, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, obsessively checking my e-mail or social accounts... these are my triggers that could lead to burnout (or addictive tendencies). I need to keep myself inspired. I need to keep myself inspired by my spirit. (Remember, I believe at my deepest level, I am connected to the human spirit.) What do you need to do? Discipline is freedom.
Willpower is finite. Your willpower to do things is finite. Yes, it can get depleted by the end of the day. I laughed at myself when I uncontrollably consumed a box of a dozen cookies at the end of the day (a few times). My day was spent. I wasn’t just tired, I was running in the negative. In the evenings when my willpower is spent I know what I do. It’s routine. Journal, read, go for a walk. Disciplined routines give us freedom to focus on what really matters.
Understand your power. You only have absolute power over yourself and your thoughts. No one else. Do not try to speak over others, do what is best for you. I often hear people say “I don’t want to tell <insert name here> that I’m depressed because I don’t want to burden them.” Who is making that decision? You are. Who has the power to make that decision? The person you’re trying to speak over. Instead of keeping it all inside and feeding your depression, ask the person, “May I share something personal about me with you? I want to get it off my chest.” Respect your power. Give others their power. Disconnect from your reality. (You may even inspire someone to do the same.)
Implement an active gratitude practice. Gratitude is not an attitude. It's a practice. Above I invited you to journal and to write nightly what you’re grateful for. That’s great, and do more. Implement it into your language. Say, “I’m grateful to _____” more often. Get more than you give. To learn more about gratitude for yourself and your team, read this. Gratitude works because it allows us to reconstruct our reality. Since we get what we focus on, when we focus on what we have, we create abundance. Do more of that.
Be more metacognitive. Metacognition is thinking about your thinking. It's being more mindful of your mental patterns and examining them. It'll help you reach new levels of perspective and mastery. I've written about it before.
Understand what beliefs are and how they affect you. Beliefs are the bricks that you build your mental home with. Learn about them to make sure they're strong.
Do you want help strengthening your mindset? Learn about our introspective experience.
PS. If you found this article insightful, sharing it could give someone their life back.
