There I was, in front of 50 city leaders from Southern California.
As the CEO of my then tech company, I was sharing about mobile technology.
I was discussing the specific ways cities could utilize mobile to better engage their constituents.
We discussed mobile websites, city-level apps, text messaging broadcast systems, and more.
How did I end up in front of these people discussing mobile technology?
That answer is simple.
I was chasing a carrot.
I was chasing what I thought I should be chasing because someone, somewhere, told me it’s a good thing to chase.
As a business entrepreneur major in college, when I graduated, I was taught to chase opportunity.
So I did.
I spent a few weeks heavily researching where the opportunity was.
Mobile technology and smartphones were growing in popularity.
Connection made.
"Mobile is where the future is, I will focus there," I told myself.
I immersed myself. I learned everything I could.
I went to dozens of events and I spoke about mobile marketing.
I traveled in the US for clients to help execute mobile marketing initiatives.
I spoke at several events around California and was on conference panels.
My writing around the subject eventually reached thousands of people a month.
I had my full-time team executing on various projects and I used various teams depending on the needs I had.
And one day, I found myself standing on stage with a feeling I couldn’t explain. It was a feeling of emptiness.
I was doing everything I knew how to do.
I was doing everything I thought I should be doing.
And it left me empty inside.
It wasn’t meaningful or satisfying.
I was like a log lost at sea floating and hoping to “figure it out.”
This is the start of my adventure to purpose.
The human experience
Before I begin, I want to share the way I see things.
I believe the human experience is about connection. One thing connected to another. A link. A bond. A relationship.
Everything is a connection.
I believe that there exists a connection to myself, my mind is made up of connections, and then there exists a connection to others.
I believe when I am connected to myself, and when I understand the connections in my mind, I can better connect to others.
Notice the simplicity of this connection concept throughout this article. Notice how it evolves within my story.
The power of purpose
I admit, in my younger years, I tried to fight this.
I thought purpose overcomplicated life.
I thought purpose wasn’t for me.
I thought purpose made life too simple.
Eventually, over the course of years, I learned.
I learned purpose could give me a reason to wake up. It gives me a reason to breathe.
Purpose can also extend life.
Purpose gives me the why to live.
Purpose gives me something meaningful to live for.
Purpose connects me to something greater than myself that I define for myself.
I wanted this.
Before I begin...
I am grateful.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to think about something like purpose.
I’m aware that some do not think about purpose. I’m aware that many don’t have this opportunity. Maybe it never enters their awareness. Maybe they’re too busy raising a child. Maybe they’re homeless living day-to-day. Maybe they’re caring for a loved one. Maybe they’re off at war. Maybe it’s a different circumstance.
I acknowledge this. I write the articles I wish someone would have shared with me.
Also, I remember when I used to read articles like this. Vulnerable and powerful articles where someone shared their heart through their words. I remember being so focused on reading that I wasn't learning. I wonder what my life would look like if I read and asked myself, "Do I do this?" I wonder if instead of thinking, "This person has their own issues," I thought, "Do I have any of these issues?" I wonder how that would have affected me.
I dive deep and get raw on my life story because I believe the more I understand the more I strengthen my purpose. The more I understand, the more I create my quality of life.
Here are the 11 candid steps I used to finding my life purpose.
1. Honor where I am
Honor. Or, recognize. Treat with respect. Observe. Value.
When I procrastinate...
When I obsess over Facebook...
When I never actually get work done...
When I am unhappy...
I am not honoring myself.
I am in autopilot. I am allowing internal tension to consume me.
As a result, I escape. I delay. I push away.
The first step in finding my purpose is to honor myself.
To honor my dissatisfaction and emptiness.
To honor the idea that I may have created a life that does not work for me anymore.
This step is about accepting my reality and taking ownership of it.
After all, it’s my reality. I either own it or it owns me.
Everything I’ve created I have created for myself.
Some things I knew about, some things I didn’t know about.
In my past, this looks like honoring that when I stood on stage and asked people of their time I did not come alive in a true way. I was only there. Talking. Like a puppet. I was not inspired.
The question then becomes, what will I do about it?
This was about embracing my internal freedom.
Honoring where I am is about learning to connect with myself.
2. Understand the want
When I honor where I am, I then want to understand the want.
It’s the want, or the desire, for something different. Something that captivates me.
Part of my journey in personal growth is understanding that it’s not personal.
Personal growth was about those around me.
Personal growth is about those I affect. It is about those I love and those I place around me.
This idea fueled my desire for a journey of personal growth to find my purpose. It gave me the force to undertake the effort I was about to invest.
This idea made me realize that when I connected with myself better, I could connect with others better.
Let’s take it farther.
I fast forward to my last breath.
Maybe it’s in a car accident outside of my control.
Maybe I will live to be 120.
In that last breath, what thought goes through my mind?
Will I have wished I loved more?
Will I have wished I lived the life I wanted to live?
Will I have regret?
Or, will I have no thoughts? Will I be present, at peace, content, happy, and fulfilled?
That is what I aim for. Presence, peace, love.
It could be said that I train for my last breath.
Some believe that “wants” and “desires” are bad. I acknowledge my power in the midst of this want.
I acknowledge that my want for purpose, to live a meaningful life, is my want.
I have the want. The want does not have me.
Said another way, I am not a slave to my wants or my desires.
I am a human being, not an animal.
This is my internal freedom.
Another thought that fuels my want is harmony.
The idea of “harmony” has been echoing through my mind since mid-teens. I never fully understood why, or where it came from, but the more I experience, the more I see the power in harmony. Integrity. Togetherness. Unity. Oneness.
The more I unpacked harmony, the more I saw power in alignment.
Understanding my wants further connects me with myself.
3. Slow down
There is a lot of talk about how the world is “speeding up.”
As someone who grew up behind a computer screen since the age of 9, I have learned to see an important distinction here.
Things are not moving faster. Things are simply moving.
Sure, I could articulate how fast things appear to be moving. But I have learned to accept that humans created the English language and humans defined what “fast” is. When I did not understand this, I became a slave to “fast.” I became a slave to my external environment instead of creating my own environment.
The main difference here is reactive versus proactive.
When I didn’t understand this, my life reflected it.
When I didn’t understand this, I was blindly following my external world and disrespecting my internal world.
The more I slowed down, the more I have learned that I create my own world.
When I learned to understand and accept this, I learned to find my power within this.
I learned to invest time in slowing down.
I learned that I come first.
No family, friends, clients, partners, or vendors can do this for me.
Unlike the child waiting to raise her hand in class, I choose when I take it slow.
The trick lives in slowing down to speed up.
Slowing down is about connecting to my words, my actions, my habits, and understanding myself more.
4. Take inventory
I went through a moment of taking inventory.
A good friend, Freeman, read a book called the “Body of Work.” We both went through the exercises together in the book.
At the time in 2013, I wrote down the values that came to mind. I am copying this nearly verbatim from my notes.
Curiosity
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Seeking to understand (asking questions, reading, observing)
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Open-minded to possibilities
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Actively experimenting with curiosity (trying new things, ok with new situations and unexpected outcomes)
Sharing
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Expressive of life on social platforms
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Authentic sharing of stories (beliefs, struggles, wisdom)
Creativity
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Possessing a creative outlet
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My creative outlets (music, writing, photography, videography, cooking, design)
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Creative in thinking and problem solving
Health
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Mental health
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Physical health
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Spiritual health
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Emotional health
Self-awareness
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Understanding of self
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Understanding of habits, patterns, impact on others
I also wrote down what I believed.
Proactive living
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Living with intention
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Respecting time, value, and worth
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Lives true to self
Vulnerability
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Being transparent about past, present, and future
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Embracing learning, curiosity, innovation, creativity, experimentation, and change
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Great strength lives in our ability to be vulnerable
Trusting in world/others
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Trusts others, their truths, and reflects on different beliefs, wisdom, and advice
Human potential
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Belief in human ability to achieve greatness. It looks different for everyone.
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Belief in human ability and power of mind to overcome struggles and insurmountable odds
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Belief in human ability to change
Minimalism living
There were many more exercises from "Body of Work" by Pamela Slim that I followed. Other questions also included:
Why do I believe what I believe?
Whom do I care deeply about serving?
Who are people I want to impact?
Why are they important to me?
What will happen in their lives as a result of my support?
What problems do I want to solve? What do I want to fix?
What could be made better in the world with my help?
In another exercise in the book on understanding my ingredients, I answered these questions:
Which job roles have I fulfilled?
Which measurable skills do I have?
Where did I learn them?
Which strengths come naturally to me?
What kinds of work situations have I been in?
What kinds of life experiences have I had?
What do I believe in? Why?
Which life situations have brought me to my knees?
What did I learn from those situations?
And more...
Which ingredients am I most excited by and proud of?
Which ingredients do I want to use in my next project?
Which ingredients do I feel embarrassment or shame about?
Answer these three questions about those ingredients that cause me to feel shame:
1. What lesson did I learn from this experience?
2. How does this lesson strengthen or reinforce my roots?
3. After I glean the lesson and the root from this experience, how will I release the shame attached to it?
Which skills do I want to learn?
What experience do I want to gain?
Which new project could I create that would allow me to develop specific ingredients?
Although I answered these questions in 2013, they have resurfaced and evolved at different times in my life.
I also took inventory of my parents and their lives and tried to understand how that may have affected my lens of life.
I took various personality tests to help me understand things about myself I may not see. I took the SI DISC assessment, EQ-i assessment, MBTI and FIRO-B assessment, and StrengthsFinders. As I was reminded when taking these, none of these assessments define me. They are tools to help me see things I may not see in myself.
I read, learned, and spent hundreds of hours talking and thinking about these things.
Taking inventory of my life helped further connect me with myself.
5. Follow my curiosities
I have always been a curious person.
From the time I was a child sitting in the sandbox for hours playing with cars to asking questions as an adult.
I didn’t know it when I was young, but now I do. I believe curiosity is even more important as an adult.
Curiosity works because it starts within. It's something that I create for myself that I honor and follow.
Following my curiosities helps me to understand what I enjoy and what I don’t enjoy.
It allows me to build a life from within and explore.
As I learn to honor myself, my wants, slow down, and take inventory, I have learned to follow my curiosities.
A love for people has led me to experimenting with different ways of serving people. When I follow my curiosity, I have no judgment of my actions. There is no fear of right or wrong, good or bad, it’s all an experiment to experience. To learn about life and myself.
This is not about doing what I’m passion about. It’s about conviction. It’s about building a life around patterns and experiences that draw me in.
Following my curiosities further connects me to myself.
6. Invest in reflection
Previously, I have written about how the mind is like a home. Part of reflection is walking through the rooms in my home and understanding the rooms, turning on the lights, organizing, accepting, finding peace, and creating a calming feeling within my home. Within my mind.
I have went on hundreds of nightly walks alone.
I have traveled for months alone.
I have spent hundreds of days journaling and asking myself questions. I discussed this more in a previous article.
This was a meaningful process for me because the more I unpacked my patterns, habits, fears, etc., the more I found myself able to see these things in others.
I would also ask myself questions such as, “What do I get out of this?”
What do I get out of this act, what do I get out of these words, what do I get out of this hobby, what do I get out of this phrase, what do I get out of trying to justify myself, what do I get out of being defensive, etc.
Here’s another: what do I get out of being funny? It gets people to like me. What do I get out of people liking me? I dug, and dug, and dug, in the interest of self-reflection...
Personal growth is not personal. It is about those around me.
I asked myself questions such as, “How does that serve me?” Or, “How does that affect others?” I asked this with various behaviors and thoughts of mine. I learned many things.
Some questions I asked took me into the past ("why" questions). Other questions took me into the future ("what if" questions).
I have been practicing objective awareness. Objective awareness has allowed me to remove my filter and view life as it is. I’ve written about this perspective before.
I learned that what I admired in other people were things I admired in myself.
I unpacked my beliefs and my values.
An opportunity to participate in the Young Leader’s Organization (YLO) with Vance Caesar greatly helped me with this. This is great for employers in Southern California looking to build leaders in their organization. (Contact for more info)
The more I learned about myself, the more I realized the powerful potential of self-awareness.
The more I learned about myself, the deeper I connected me to myself.
7. Confront myself
Yes, one of the steps was to confront myself.
Believing that personal growth isn’t about me, it’s about those around me, I believed this step was important.
This was one of the most difficult steps for me.
This step involved going to a therapist to help me understand my anxiety better. I learned about 3 factors contributing to my anxiety from the book my therapist suggested, called, “Dancing with Fear: Controlling Stress and Creating a Life Beyond Panic and Anxiety” by Paul Foxman:
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Biological sensitivity: If I am naturally a sensitive person, I am predisposed to anxiety. (I'm a sensitive person, affected by music, nature, movies, people)
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Personality characteristics: Certain personality characteristics I had gave power to my anxiety without me knowing. (Specifically, for me, one of them was all or nothing thinking)
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Stress indicators: These are the triggers for anxiety.
Anxiety is rooted in fear. This mental fear kept me re-playing events from the future in my mind. It was like a CD skipping in my mind and I didn’t know how to replace it or stop it. As a result, because my anxiety had me focused on the future, I was missing the present.
I’ve written about where I believe this fear came from with the bear in my blind spot.
A life-changing belief I learned at YLO was this...
I am doing the best I can, with what I have, with what I’ve been given in life, in every moment.
This had to marinate in my mind for many months. It strengthened my compassion for self, self-love, self-care, and self-empathy.
The transition was interesting from believing this of myself, and then once I believed it of myself, I was able to give this gift to others. During various travels, I made eye contact with hundreds of people at airports, walking in busy areas, and I would repeat this mantra in my mind. This belief is the belief that allows me to love everyone.
In the process of confronting myself, I dug and dug and dug on myself and my habits.
I recall a conversation with someone where they pointed out a habit of mine. My habit was problem solving. I was great at it. Programming by age 9 strengthened my ability to problem solve. This became a challenge when I was unaware of the habit and did this in everything, including my own life. I problem solved myself because at some level, I had problems, and my insatiable thirst to learn was to fix my problems. I was the problem, I believed, at some subconscious level. If I was a problem, then I feared I was not worthy of love and belonging. When someone close to me lovingly brought this to my awareness, I immediately started crying uncontrollably.
Confronting myself was about confronting my fears.
I confronted my obsessive need for perfection. This was rooted in a need to identify with being perfect. Because when I was perfect, I was worthy of love and belonging. When I was not, I feared disconnection from others. I needed everything around me to be perfect. My car, my equipment, my tech gadgets, my laptop, my phone... it was uncontrollable (and mentally and emotionally exhausting). I have openly shared my battle with perfection.
I confronted my insecurities when I realized how I was hurting those around me. My insecurity left me overcorrecting. Because I was insecure, I overcorrected by forcefully creating security around me. The more I became mindful of this, the more I became aware of how I was speaking over the life of others and trying to control them. Although this helped me as an entrepreneur (to control my environment), it also held me back. I have openly shared how this negatively affects entrepreneurs.
I confronted my unhealthy perspective to live a more healthy life and keep out depression. I learned that we do not live in the same world. I learned that I first live in my mental world and my mental world creates my external world. I openly shared this perspective shift in an article on depression.
I confronted my self-doubt. I found myself focused not on what potential I had, but on what I lacked. When I focused on what I lacked, I focused on what other people lacked. When I doubted myself, I doubted others. The more I fought through my internal battles, the more I lived into the life I wanted to live. I’ve shared about the self-limiting narrative behind the impostor syndrome before.
I confronted my need to play small. Being a perfectionist and problem solving in my life left me playing small. I was focused on the small issues I had. I was critical of myself. Because I was critical of myself and my small issues, I used to live small and be critical of others. Small petty problems. Small possibilities. Small conversations.
I confronted my struggle with self-acceptance. Yes, acceptance. Acceptance of self. Because of the internal tension I created for myself, I struggled to accept myself. It was uncomfortable. The more I made peace with my past, and understood my story, the more I was able to accept it. Now, I love my story. I’m grateful for my experiences. If it were not for these experiences, I would not be who I am. I love who I am.
I confronted my relationship with money. Because I was running from the bear, I associated my identity with my external world. Money was not a tool. It was a need of validation. Because it was a need of validation, my self-worth fluctuated with my bank account. I was a slave. I created my own prison until I examined my behavior.
I confronted my default response. My default response was either to overthink things or to get defensive. The more I became aware of this, the more mindful I was able to live into the response I consciously wanted for myself.
To further grow myself, I participated in things that made me uncomfortable. Yoga helped me with my insecurities. Dancing lessons helped me be present and step into my confidence.
I learned that the things that frustrated me about others were the things that I didn't accept and embrace in myself.
And I am not done. I am always still learning. Being a grown up is a lie. I am always growing up.
I have had enough moments in the past where my life became certain. I made it certain. I made it black and white. The more I lived in that reality I created for myself, the more fearful I became of the gray. Black or white thinking left no space for the gray.
This step involved my greatest surrender.
It was a surrender to myself.
It was a surrender to my humanity and how I affect others.
It was a surrender to love.
No longer was I living life like a horse uncontrolled because the reigns were flapping around the horse's head. This step allowed me to grab the reigns of the parts of my life that were the most difficult to grab.
The more of my story I understood, the more empowered I found myself to walk into my story. The more I walk into my story, the more power I have over the ending.
I have learned that my story does not define me, it is only my story. (When I allow my story to define me, knowing or not, I feed the bear in my blind spot)
I have shared several of my strategies that I’ve used to change the stories I tell myself.
Confronting myself connected me with the hardest parts I had trouble connecting with.
8. Listen to the believers
During this process, I surrounded myself with people who believed in me.
Friends who believed in me.
Friends who listened.
Not "perfect friends," or "strong friends," or even friends who fully understood. Friends who believed and supported me in whatever ways they could.
I feel my eyes watering as I write this because I think about the love people have shared with me and how grateful I am for it.
I remember friends and family responding in the only way they knew how to love me and accepting their words and thinking, "they are showing me love in the way they know how to." (Even if I thought it was forceful or irrelevant)
Some of these people were close friends. Some of these people were strangers I met on my travels around the world.
Friends like Brian Carter who always opened his home, cooked, and welcomed me.
Friends like Bobby Schneider who always used to call me on his drive home from work and check in.
Friends like Freeman LaFleur who encouraged me, supported me, believed in me, and questioned me to help me think.
Friends like Wes Mitchell who always encouraged me when it came to dating.
Friends like Anais Tangie who always believed in me.
Friends like Ryan DeLapp who always checked in for a dinner, invited me to his soccer games, or Frisbee, or bouldering.
Friends like Luke Mysse who allowed me to share an office with him, learn from him, share with him, meet his friends, his family, his in-laws, and supported me in whatever crazy idea I had (mostly). (I’m also grateful for his dad’s BBQ)
Friends like Arnold Santos who allowed me to join him on a weekday hike, grab breakfast, and carpool to Santa Monica to work there.
And hundreds of other people that I’ve been connected with offline and online for years.
Thaddeus and Yolanda, my parents, have also been very supportive, which I am grateful for.
Because I believe everything is a learning opportunity, I am grateful to have had many learning opportunities with others.
Surrounding myself with believers created the environment for me to connect with myself.
9. Embrace my power
I grew up with technology in a busy hyper-connected world.
Growing up behind the computer with so much information left me a slave to what happens in the world. Things mentally affected me that were outside of my control.
I have learned about my circle of concern versus my circle of influence. I have a worldwide concern, although I spend most of my time in my circle of influence.
I can influence my mindset and how I experience the world I live in.
I can influence people I know, my relationships, my clients, my team, my family, my friends.
I have learned how to transition from a spectator of a play to becoming the actor. With so much information, I have found it easy in the past to sit on the sidelines and point at the people on stage. I jumped on stage too, from time to time. Now, I am that person on stage. I chose that for myself.
It is within my power to focus on gratitude and create a world of abundance for myself. I’ve shared more about this.
It is within my power to choose where I focus. I understand that I get what I focus on.
It is within my power to create the world I want to create. This isn’t about reading too much into the “road signs” and “indicators” of life (eg. stopping when one person tells me "no"). Doing that would disrespect my power.
This is about proactively deciding, in every moment, how I want to respond to what I experience.
It is within my power to embrace my vulnerability. To embrace the real uncertainties, risk, and emotional exposure in life. It is within my power to allow myself to be fully seen.
I’ve written before about the puzzling truth about our power.
The more I learned to embrace my power, the more I learned to see life the way I wanted to see life.
The more I did this, the more it gave strength to my purpose and allowed me to live on purpose.
Embracing my power taught me to connect with myself and possibility.
10. Experiment
Yes, experiment with my purpose.
Experiment with owning my purpose and telling others what it is.
This is what I did.
For me, it wasn’t a process of taking a few minutes and deciding on one purpose and staying with it.
For me, finding my purpose was a process of experimentation.
I would pick a purpose statement, go to networking events and arrange lunches and share it with others. After I shared my purpose, I’d pay attention and ask myself questions afterwards.
How did it feel?
How did people respond?
Did I like it?
It was like trying on a pair of shoes and walking around.
I realize that in this process of experimentation, I may have left some confused. That’s ok, I can always go back if necessary to update someone. (Which I have)
What’s important here was not putting pressure on myself to “be perfect the first time with the perfect purpose.”
Experimenting allowed me to understand the connections I wanted to create for myself better.
11. Decide
When I knew what my purpose was. When I knew what was aligned with my deepest sense of self, with my strengths, it was time to decide.
Not for myself, but for others. This is about my human value.
At some point, the “finding my purpose” idea went away.
It was time to create my purpose.
Eventually, the conviction for the life I must live became obvious. It became painful to not do what I love.
Deciding is a personal decision. No one can do it for me.
Deciding connected me with the connection I wanted to create for myself.
This is me.
My purpose is to provoke insight that inspires legacy.
“To serve” is my posture. I don’t serve with the intent to make friends (my conversations are deeper than friendship). I serve with the intent to ask powerful questions that create powerful insights.
As an introspective agent, I serve my clients who are creating the world they believe in.
I’ve had introspective calls with entrepreneurs from around the world and I absolutely love it.
Why? For legacy.
Legacy is my value to humanity.
This purpose is strong because it is the thing I never had. Someone who deeply understood people, patterns, and was able to take me places in my mind I never went before or couldn't see myself.
I have written many articles with insights that I wish someone would have shared with me in my younger years.
As an introspective agent, I create introspective experiences. Sometimes on the phone, or on a hike, or out mountain biking, or I have flown to new cities with strangers to create insight.
When I am serving others aligned with my purpose, I am stronger because I am living on purpose and someone else is stronger from my impact. This is when 1+1 is not 2. It is 11.
This is the power of living on purpose.
I don’t believe in every generation tripping over themselves. I believe in sharing vulnerability. Sharing powerfully.
I value my health.
I strengthen my physical health by mountain biking, hiking, and bouldering, several times a week.
I strengthen my mental health by learning and reading and growing and meditating.
I strengthen my emotional health by the people I choose to have around me and choosing the mindsets that affect my emotions.
I strengthen my spiritual health by meditating, embodying love, creating peace in my life, practicing gratitude, accepting, being open, being courageous, being free, and more.
I value freedom.
I value my internal freedom and external freedom. I am creating this world for my team, too. With flexible work schedules, our remote team can work wherever and whenever they want. I’m grateful to have multiple people on my team full-time for over 3 years. I value freedom and it lives within our culture.
More than knowing my values, I am connected to them, and I exercise them.
Let it be known, I am not a leader. I am a follower of a vision within.
I believe the human experience is about connection.
I believe that the more connected I am with myself, the more I can truly connect with others. The more I can connect to my existence.
I believe connection is love.
My company is called HX Works. HX stands for the human experience.
I believe the human experience works.
If I read this article when I started this journey of purpose, or when I was on this journey of purpose, I hope I would have made this article a gift to someone else.
